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This is the strange dream i had last night. Well i did add a few artistic flares to it to make it run a little smoother but 90% of this is the dream.
Click on the download button to read it. It is in PDF format
Edit: My wife finallly got around to editing this one.
Edit 2: some grammar and name changes have been made.
Gonna rewrite the begining
ep 2: [link]
Click on the download button to read it. It is in PDF format
Edit: My wife finallly got around to editing this one.
Edit 2: some grammar and name changes have been made.
Gonna rewrite the begining
ep 2: [link]
© 2009 - 2024 jornas
Comments11
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Quick criticism of the work if that's alright.
Don't be a stranger. Long views of the characters giving everything from a third person perspective is fine, but drop into a character and have some discussion every so often. The characters had very few lines in here, and they could have been developed a little more. I actually was having a little trouble following who was who because of that.
Take your time. Stretch out a little as you write, give us some more backstory. Little details go a long way, even if they don't contribute directly to the story it still makes us connect with the surroundings and people more.
The thesaurus is your friend! If you've used a word recently try to use a synonym for it the next time you use it. Or maybe even find a way to reference it in a sideways manner. That especially struck me in the opening of the piece where the word 'kids' was used three times in quick succession.
Where did the symbols come from, what exactly is he talking about? To quote the sentence that gives me pause "What were those strange markings that covered me and the wall of that hospital room?". I looked back to the section referred to and saw no mention of strange markings. Could you give an explanation of that please?
The negative things are always best to get out of the way first, so now on to the positives. Even from a third person perspective, the emotions of the characters came across very well. I enjoyed the writing style immensely and the story, though feeling a bit rushed, was explained very well. I'll be sure to check out the next installment.
Don't be a stranger. Long views of the characters giving everything from a third person perspective is fine, but drop into a character and have some discussion every so often. The characters had very few lines in here, and they could have been developed a little more. I actually was having a little trouble following who was who because of that.
Take your time. Stretch out a little as you write, give us some more backstory. Little details go a long way, even if they don't contribute directly to the story it still makes us connect with the surroundings and people more.
The thesaurus is your friend! If you've used a word recently try to use a synonym for it the next time you use it. Or maybe even find a way to reference it in a sideways manner. That especially struck me in the opening of the piece where the word 'kids' was used three times in quick succession.
Where did the symbols come from, what exactly is he talking about? To quote the sentence that gives me pause "What were those strange markings that covered me and the wall of that hospital room?". I looked back to the section referred to and saw no mention of strange markings. Could you give an explanation of that please?
The negative things are always best to get out of the way first, so now on to the positives. Even from a third person perspective, the emotions of the characters came across very well. I enjoyed the writing style immensely and the story, though feeling a bit rushed, was explained very well. I'll be sure to check out the next installment.